so this is copied over from my webpage blogger, but I think it needed to be here as well. Because mostly, it was rather well written considering the sleeping pill was well in effect half way through it's composition.

Hate is defined by dictionary.com as "to have a great aversion to, with a strong desire that evil should befall the person toward whom the feeling is directed; to dislike intensely; to detest; as, to hate one's enemies; to hate hypocrisy." Hate is not only a strong word but an even stronger emotion. To say you hate someone, and really mean it, almost carries with it more meaning than wishing someone dead--in fact, I think it is worse than wishing someone dead. The bible tells us not to hate, and knowing that, I have done my best in life to hate no one; even those who have done the worst of wrongs to me...save one person. I don't hate anyone in the world with the exception of Shannon Knighten. I hate him so much that it evokes this physical feeling (for lack of a better word) in my chest and tightens it. I truly hate him and will one day have to answer for this hate, but for now it's the best I've got. Because, if there were something in this world worse than hate, I'd feel it for him. So why do I bring this up?

It was the last half hour of work tonight. Unfortunatly, I had already noticed that my idiot, low-end of the gene pool cousin was in the store, but I didn't care because the night was almost over. I had also seen a guy I had gone to high school with enter the store, not immediatly recognizing his company. So I fiddle around the counter waiting for the last of the customers in the store to finish so Alicia and I could start close. Finally, Jacob (being the guy I had gone to high school with) and his two buddys come up to the counter. They're talking about reading the book that inspired the movie they were reading. And I said to Jacob, "but that ruins the ending" as the guy standing in the middle hands me his card. I scan the card and read the screen. And what name should appear? Shannon Knighten. Without intention, my head immediately reels upward and looks him in the eye. I was rather stunned, dumbfounded and every other word you can use for speechless. I shook my head and was just like, "oh. Hi." and handed his card back and finished ringing them up without ever looking up again. I couldn't look at him. I have this--psychological thing I guess it is--that if I find someone to be dirty (inside) or evil, I cannot look them in the face, let alone the eyes. And I couldn't look at him.

When they were gone was the true test. The last time I saw shannon was at a really bad time. He passed me saying hey or something while I was at the movies. I cried for three days. Hardcore crying. Screams. Sobs. All of it. It took me weeks to shake my system back into normal. After he left last night I kept waiting and waiting for that feeling to come. So that I could be a teary mess for Chris to have to deal with for the weeks to come. And I waited. But nothing came. I gave a shattered couple of breaths and almost felt like crying, but didnt. I finally managed to convince myself that crying means he won. So after a minute or so, I was back to me and enjoying the final moments of work. I wish I could say that there's one person around who's followed this mess from the beginning to understand now how much has changed. Someone who can see that now he doesn't affect me just by being in my proximity. Maybe I moved on. When I wasn't paying attention, I moved on. I know that there will be a big wound down the center of myself that cannot sewnup, plastered over or taken away from me. In fact, I'm glad I have it in some way. It has shown me to be more careful with myself and those that I might pass trust priviledges on to. I know I will never come down to a place where I am so souly simplified that I don't have some scars from him. What he did is for forever. And I will know is presence in my life for as long as I breathe. But today showed me that I don't have to let it scare me the way it has. That he no longer rules in me. Nothing in my life should be continually compared to the experiences I had with him. Today showed me that there is a path back down off this big ol' hill of hate. And though I'm no where near the bottom, if I'll work my way down, I may eventually come to a place where Shannon Knighten never mattered. I just might be on my way there now.

Later days kids,