Even in a diary I keep from almost everyone I know, I still feel the need to be censored. This should be the place where I run my mouth like a hampster in a plastic ball. But I think that sometimes even private journals are too public for some private thoughs.

In other news. I talked to an old...friend, might be the proper word. Things went awry some time ago. I said some really stupid things under the influence, which was probably the start of the falling away, but is not what ended it. This friend and I were both at fault. But it was I who put it to a definite death when I posted a very telling note in my old journal. I think it was nicely stated, but when broken down to simplest terms, I basically told him to fuck off. Without ever telling him anything. And I was fine with it and felt very justified by it. As time has passed, I have not felt any regret for what I said, only where I said it. Some amount of time after it, he messaged me and we talked for a few minutes. It was very sterile, plain, hi-I-just-met-you talk, both of us apparently pretending that nothing had happened. But I felt awkward and as I have since found out, so did he.

I was online the other night and saw that he was too. So I messaged him. And we were sort of uncomfortably talking when I told him that I believed I owed him an apology. And I apologized. And we talked more about what had happened, the way he felt, etc. I doubt that we will ever be friends the way we were, and if we are, it will be a long time from now. Which sort of makes me said and I have reached one of the few times I regret something.

I don't believe much in regret. It's time consuming and purposeless. You can't change anything you've done in the past. Furthermore, usually the things we due are time appropriate. They are what's right for the time and the way you're feeling. So why regret it? However, this guy had been a really good friend to me. He took a crash course in Me and probably learned more about me in two months than most of my friends had in years. It makes me sad looking back that I would treat someone that way. Nothing much changes does it? He listened to me inanely babble and whine and cry and so on--you get the picture--and never seemed to be annoyed too much with it. He once told me he loved him and I think he might have, if only for a minute.

This entry sounds like I'm looking for pity but I'm not. I guess I'm just being reflective. I had a good friend and I wasted it on fear and doubt. But that's life I suppose, right? He left his journal behind, citing me and a few others as reasons. That made me feel pretty lowly, as I suppose I deserve.

In retrospect, I did things the way I felt they should have been done then. It was honest and what I had felt. The execution was wrong and maybe if I had done things differently, he'd still be around to listen to me. But hopefully with me being an almost nonexistant person in his life, he is happier. I hope.

Me
You were born with the gift of healing. Chances
are, you or someone close to you has had to
endure pain, and now you despise people who
hurt others for their own selfish gain. Also
an animal lover, you bond with them more
readily than you do with humans because they
won't try to manipulate you in order to get
ahead.
Positives: Generally selfless, kind, warm,
thoughtful -- you genuinely care about the
well-being of others. You're the kind of
friend everybody wants to have.
Negatives: Sometimes you come across as
distant, but only because you aren't as ready
to trust people, as you have the inability to
refuse people when they ask for help (often,
this means being taken advantage of).

What's your inner power?
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That needed to be shown. It's poignant. I'm done now!