Don't you hate it when you start an entry and something happens to mess it up?

Meh. I hadn't written that much anyway.

My parents are out of the house for the evening and thus I'm here alone. I've spent the past two and half hours slaving over ONE section of trig homework and I have four sections left to catch up. *note to self* don't fall behind in trig.

I don't know if we've hit a stall or if there's just something wrong with me, but something seems amiss with my relationship with Chris. It's something I've noticed over the past couple weeks--and my run-in with Shannon did not help matters much. The worst part about it is, the problem isn't Chris. Whatever this problem is, it stems from me. My God, I am self-centered. Everything must be my way at all times. It seems that all of a sudden in life, I am totally unable to compromise. However, I can compromise with anyone else about anything. For a while now I've joked that I think I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder because of the way I've become in the past couple weeks. There is an unending desire to make sure I press all his buttons to see how hard I've got to push to piss him off. And the scary thing is, I know that I would find those points and start pissing him off just because then I know I can--and how to do it. I want to know the things that get to him and unnerve him...so I can do those things too. That's sick. Entirely fucked up. It's...well, they're things a borderline would do. I'm damn near as manipulative as a borderline is as well. I haven't been very manipulative with him, but I've been that way in the past. And given all these things, God knows what I would do if he backed out on me now. Well, exacting vengence is a given (yet another one of those sins I'll be paying a heavy toll for when I die). He can't leave me. I don't want him to leave me. And I have this insane thing in thinking that I can change and mold him into the person I think he should be. Fuckedupmuch?!?!

I was talking to Hailey about all of this (now isn't that some crazyness?) and I told her, "he doesn't abuse me enough." He's too nice to me. He lets me have my way on everything. Unfortunatly for him, that opens the door for me to walk all over him. I have never treated anyone this way and I don't know why I'm doing it to him now. I don't do this to people. It's a damn shitty way to act towards someone. Especially someone you care about. But it seems like all these little behaviors and personality ticks are just completely unavoidable and unstopable. They're done and over with before I have a chance to process what I'm doing.

Then of course there was the Shannon thing. Not a crying mess or anything, but still quite unnerved. I think part of my problem to, now after having seen him, is that I feel very vulnerable. Seeing him meant that he is still here. I feel exposed--like he's some villan out of an old western who will jump out of a bush as I'm on my way to class. I feel like my boundary lines have been partially erased by him once more just because he is around. And knowing that he has an account at the store makes matters even worse. It makes his appearences unpredictable and yet probable. Does this mean that I will remain at my presant job with the constant worry that my seemingly ever-fragile personal space may yet again be violated by him. And why can't I just let it go. He should be nothing to me. But the very mention of his name unsettles me. It's been four years. I should let it go. But I don't think I can.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to find some way to sit Chris down and make him understand that I don't do these things on purpose. I think mostly the past couple weeks have been a combination of school stress, PMS and the shannon thing. Hopefully he'll understand. Because I do adore him, and greatly so. But I know that in the end, I will be infinitely worse for him than Hailey ever thought she was.

Drugs working and I'm off to bed. Have a lovely Friday.

Oooh, and tough it's pretty crappy, the following is a result of a creative buzz today.

Said a man to a puddle beside him,
“Do you have a name.”
The puddle returned,
“I think I used to.”
“How do you not know your name?” 
The man said.
The puddle wadded.
“Someone stepped in me once.  Left this clearing right through my center.”
And the man thought on this a while,
“You look like a whole puddle to me.”
Said the puddle in return,
“I look like a whole puddle now, but I lost all these droplets
in the sole of his shoe.  So see, I am now only part the puddle
I once was.”
“But I see no hole in you now?”
The man pondered.
“See, I have covered it up so that you will not know
that I fear.  So that you cannot see from the outside
that I am all amiss inside.”
The puddle rippled as she worried.
“Can you not be happy as you are now?”
The man knelt to see his own face in the water.
“Can you not be content,” he said, “even with these changes?
And find some place between your bonds 
of hydrogen and oxygen where you may go in peace?”
There was silence for some time.
Then the man said,
“I shall gather you up, collective in one place.
And in being collected, you shall remember your name.”
“And how shall I do that?”
The puddle drip-dropped backwards.
“How should I remember my name 
without the pieces that are gone?”
“Because you entire will be collected, you see?”
The man lifted a jar.
“Placed whole as you are back into a space
with definition and limit.  Not left out
under the sky without protection.
And into the jar the puddle collected herself,
remaining for some long time in a place
where the light was always with her
and no one could steal from her.
The man asked her name everyday;
a long time with no answer.
Then the answer came.
“Excuse me sir, but my name
is Rain.”

alohamora,

nights