I read through my last entry earlier today. *sigh* I think I was just, I don't know. In a foul mood. I was definitly a lot harsher than I meant to be.

Let me say that I do, in fact, adore Chris. He's a great friend. But as a significant other for me, it's just not working. And as my dear Kenzy said, I'm not doing anyone any favors here by sticking around. I love Chris, but it's not that kind of love. It's not going to lead me down any aisles or somesuch nonsense. This breakup thing does make me sad as it has been said that he "fell" for me quite a bit harder than he did for Hailey. And I really don't mean to hurt his feelings. I have no intention to tell him the things I wrote the other day. They're mean and come directly out of a shallow girl who is jaded, mean and blackhearted. He's a good person like I said, and a great, loyal friend.

I'm afraid of this breakup. I don't want to lose Chris as a friend. My biggest fear however is Johnathon, his older brother. J and I are really close. We're both psych majors and take a lot of the same classes. Half the staff think we're dating and we've both been asked on several occasions by friends and fellow students if we're dating. You get the point. To lose Johnathon would be devistating to me. I need him as a friend and future collegue. I trust J with any secret. He and Meg were the first and only people to know that I wasn't moving for nearly two months. He never told anyone. Not even his girlfriend. I'm not so worried about my other friends. By leaving Chris now, I've done nothing wrong. If I stay, it translates as me using him. Which is what Hailey did. I can't do that to someone. I think that Johnathon will understand. Shannon (J's girlfriend and a long-time friend of mine) told Hailey that J had mentioned something to effect of if Chris and I weren't to last, that it would be because of intellectual differences. And for the most part, that's so. I'm not sure if that's shallow. My friend Joey says it's not; that there needs to be a connection and that if it's not there, then it's just not happening. I agree with him.

I'm not heartless, completely. I think I'm a lot more compassionate than I made myself out to be. I was just on a rage, I guess. Please don't hate me.

Kenzy asked what's been up other than this whole Chris thing. To tell the truth, not much, I guess. I ordered graduation announcements last week and picked up my cap and gown. I have about five more weeks until graduation. I'm not as afraid as I was in high school. I'm ready for graduation this time. I think in high school, you're not as socially stable as you are in college. I know that when I get up the next morning, my friends are still going to be around.

I was accepted into the grad program in psychometrics (fancy way of saying psych testingin) at my school and I'll start classes this fall. Over the summer I hope to get a new job. Something working in the mental health field would be great. I think I should go see career services. They're a service offered by the school to help graduating students find jobs.

That's really about it, I guess. The great excitment in my life right now is that Hanson's new CD will be released on April 20th. After 4 years of waiting, it's finally almost here. And in May I graduate, the last of the Lord of the Rings movies hits home video, and the new Brad Pitt/Orlando Bloom ("Troy") movie hits theaters. A lot to look forward to. Well, my back is out and i need to go take some more meds. I'll see you guys soon!

Love and hugs,

Me